Harry Potter and the Ranger and the Miniature Giant Space Hamster
by Raven3182
Summary: Originally an omake to my other story: Harry Potter and the Knight of the Radiant Heart, this fic asks, what if instead of Keldorn Firecam, Minsc and Boo were magically inserted into the world of Harry Potter? The butts of Evil are about to be liberally kicked in good measure! Crack!Fic alternative to HP & KoRH. Go for the eyes, Boo! GO FOR THE EYES!
1. Minsc and Boo

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

 **The cover image for this fic is used with permission from NixxiCal on Deviantart dot com. Thanks! She's got some awesome Baldur's Gate character images. Check them out!**

 **Author's Note at the end of the chapter.**

* * *

Harry Potter and the Ranger and the Miniature Giant Space Hamster

Minsc and Boo

"You there! Chosen wizard boy!" shouted the rather large man whose bald head sported a curious purple tattoo of a circle. "Come with Minsc and Boo, and we shall teach to you the honored ways of kicking the pants off of Evil!"

A high-pitched squeaking noise added an exclamation to the large man's sentence.

"Err… what?" asked Harry.

"Your great wizard, Dumbles the Flashy One, has told us of your great destiny to fight all the great Evils in this world. But Minsc is saying to Boo that you are too scrawny to fight Evil all on your lonesome. But Boo has had a wonderful idea! We shall train you in the art of butt-kicking! He's very smart, Boo is."

"You want to teach me?" Harry asked somewhat incredulously.

"I will not do the teaching! That is up to Boo! I will do the butt-kicking for Goodness demonstrations! And also the sword waving!"

Harry looked at Hermione with one raised eyebrow.

"Evil shall behold the sound of your footsteps and quiver in fear for the soon to be felt kicking by your boots! We shall have you liberally kicking the butts of this Voldemort in good measure!"

"Did any of that make sense to you?" Hermione asked Harry.

"Who is this Boo you keep mentioning?" Harry asked. "Is he around here somewhere too?"

"Boo is Boo," the large man replied, while holding out a small yellow hamster for Harry to see. "He is always here with Minsc. For what is Boo without Minsc or Minsc without Boo? The cowardly little villains of Evil are always trying to tear us apart. But they fail! Boo is so quick and evasive and there is ever so much of Minsc to search, there is no hope of getting us apart!"

"Eww…"

"But enough of the talking! Talking is for the sages! Minsc is for the butt-kicking! Like this!"

At that point, Minsc drew a very large sword and began attacking several of the nearby practice dummies. From the little squeaks that Harry and Hermione could hear, Boo was joining in rather whole-heartedly.

"Go for the eyes, Boo. GO FOR THE EYES!"

A few minutes and several destroyed dummies later, Minsc and Boo stopped their rampage to turn back to Harry.

"That is how it is done! One look at Boo's mighty fury and Evil goes screaming for their mothers! Look at his mighty rage!" Minsc held out the hamster once more for Harry to see. "It is small so look close. Trust me, it's there."

"So, Dumbledore really thinks I should learn from you?"

"I will teach you to make Evil squeal like Boo when he's eaten too many berries. And let me tell you, Boo can put them away!"

"Okay, I'll give it a shot."

"Harry!" Hermione cried, "You can't be serious!"

"Why not?" Harry answered. "You have any better ideas?"

"Well no…"

"That is the spirit, scrawny wizard boy!" Minsc shouted before dumping entirely too many swords on the ground at Harry's feet. "Magic is impressive, but now Minsc leads. Swords for everyone!"

* * *

 **Disclaimer the Second: Many of Minsc's lines in this and the following chapters are quoted from his various appearances in the Baldur's Gate source materials.**

 **Author's Notes: First of all, this story will (probably) make more sense (maybe) if you read my other story:** _ **Harry Potter and the Knight of the Radiant Heart.**_ **(That is, if it ever makes any sense at all.)**

 **In a review of Chapter XXIII of** _ **HP & KoRH**_ **, harmless bystander requested a scene where Harry and Hedwig did some dialogue like Minsc and Boo from the Baldur's Gate series. If you don't know who Minsc and Boo are, you're missing out on two of the greatest characters in RPG history, IMHO. Anyways, I didn't think that Harry could realistically start talking like Minsc, but I did get an idea for a scene: what if things had gone a bit differently and instead of Keldorn, a different character was brought to Hogwarts from the Forgotten Realms?**

 **I originally posted this as an omake at the end of Chapter XXIV of** _ **HP & KoRH**_ **, but I thought it might be disruptive to the flow. So, I decided it would be better to move it to its own story. I also had an idea for a second little chapter. That will be posted soon.**

 **So, this is meant to be a (hopefully) humorous, probably crack!fic out-take/omake alternative to** _ **HP & KoRH. **_**Don't look for silly things like storylines or plots or consistency. Boo says that Heroes do not need such things! It will probably be more scattered than Minsc after one too many blows to the head! Who knows, if people seem to like it, maybe I'll continue with episodic snippets of Minsc and Boo and Harry and friends.**

 **Or maybe I'll have other silly ideas to add. Who knows? I sure don't! Maybe Boo does. I should ask him…**

 **If YOU have any ideas for a scene or two, let me know in a review. If I can think of a way to make it work, I just might write it up.**

 **Please note that the chapters are posted in no particular order - I'm just putting them up as I think of them. Therefore, don't look too hard for any type of continuity or chronology. There's only the general concept. Unless otherwise noted, of course.**

 **Thanks for your reviews. And thanks for reading!**


	2. A New Witch!

**Disclaimer: Puny fan fiction writer does not own Minsc and Boo! No one owns Boo but Minsc! Nor Minsc but Boo! I am certain! I have paperwork somewhere… Boo is not sure who owns Harry Potter, maybe his witch does. That is how it worked in the snowy fields of Rashemen! *Squeak!* What's that, Boo? *Squeak!* Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling and we are owned by the corporate owners of the** _ **Baldur's Gate's**_ **Series? *Squeak!* You heard him! And you should listen! Boo knows about these things…**

* * *

Harry Potter and the Ranger and the Miniature Giant Space Hamster

A New Witch!

Hermione was distracted.

She was trying to divide her attention between her copy of _Great Wizarding Disasters of the 1670's and Who to Blame_ and watching Harry, but she was having trouble. Normally, it was quite straightforward for her to do two things at once. Especially when one of those things was watching Harry. If she couldn't do something else while she was observing him, she'd never get anything done!

Harry grunted as he swung a sword that was easily a foot longer than he was tall. He stumbled at the end of his swing as the weight of the blade threw him off balance.

Honestly! Someone had to keep an eye on that boy! He was liable to end up killing himself if he was left to himself!

It had nothing to do with his lovely green eyes. Or the way his hair adorably stuck up all over the place. Or the grin that he got only every once in a while when he thought no one was looking but she actually was and it made her stomach feel all queasy and her head all fuzzy…

No. Her vigilance was a matter of Harry's safety, pure and simple.

Hermione rarely believed her own lies. She was sadly too smart for that.

But that's not what had the brightest which of her age distracted.

"Ha!" Harry cried out in triumph as he lodged the heavy blade in the wooden head of one of the many practice dummies that surrounded him. "Err…" he mumbled when he was unable to dislodge the sword.

No. What had Hermione distracted was the big, burly man that had taken it upon himself to teach Harry how to fight.

Minsc.

Normally, the brawny ranger would be shouting nonsensical encouragements at Harry while he went about his 'training.' But today Minsc's eyes kept glancing between Hermione and the small rodent that was always in his hand or somewhere on his person.

Hermione didn't think that was very hygienic.

"Gah!" Harry shouted as he used both hands to pull on the trapped sword, trying to pry it free. He wasn't having much success.

Minsc kept glancing at her and then turning to whisper to his rodent.

It was driving her barmy!

She tried to refocus her attention on her book.

"Hermioninny!" Minsc shouted as he strode over to her.

That was another thing! Did the big oaf _always_ have to shout?!

"Yes?" Hermione timidly responded.

"Boo says I should ask you a question." The manic gleam that was always in Minsc's eyes was focused completely on her.

"Okay."

"Boo says that you are definitely not Evil."

She raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"I shouldn't think so," she glanced at Minsc and decided to be clearer. "No, I'm not evil."

"And Boo wants to know if you are a _witch_?"

Hermione furrowed her eyebrows at that.

"Of course I'm a witch."

Minsc's eyes widened in delighted surprise while his hamster started running up and down his arms, squeaking up a storm.

"That is the best news that Minsc and Boo have heard ever since we were told that the Ice Dragon Berserker Lodge was hosting free bear wrestling! Oh happy day!" Minsc threw up his arms in triumph.

Hermione was confused.

Boo squeaked rather loudly.

"Oh, right. Sorry, Boo," Minsc turned his attention back to Hermione. "Boo has reminded me that I did not yet ask you the question."

"You didn't?"

"I do not think so. And Boo says I didn't. It is best to just follow his lead on these things. He tends to be right more often than I am…"

"Okay…"

"Anyways," Minsc continued, "Minsc and Boo would like to know if you would be _our_ witch!"

"What?"

"I said, Minsc and Boo would like to know if you would be our witch!"

 _Is he hitting on me?_

Hermione's eyes nervously switched back and forth between Harry and the overly-muscled ranger.

Harry now had both feet up on the dummy's chest as he used his whole body to try and pry his gigantic sword loose.

"Umm…" she eventually responded, "I kind of have my mind set on being someone else's witch…"

Minsc looked terribly confused at that.

"Are there other Rashemeni berserkers lurking about the castle of Hogywarts that Minsc and Boo do not know about?! You must not trust them, Hermioninny! Not all of them seek to kick the pants off of Evil as I do! And kick them I shall!"

Boo squeaked again.

Minsc focused on the Hamster.

"You think so, Boo?"

Another squeak.

"Okay, I'll ask her," he turned to Hermione again. "Boo says you are confused. He says to tell you that we do not want to have you as our witch _in that way_ , whatever that means. Being our witch would not get in the way of your wanting to have kissing time with Harry."

Hermione's eyes nearly popped out of her skull. She sputtered as she tried to come up with some sort of denial.

"I… I…"

"There is no need to hide it. Boo is quite the romantic. He sees right through such things."

Boo squeaked in the affirmative.

"No, Hermioninny, we want you to be Minsc and Boo's witch so that we can finish our _dajemma_ and finally become Heroes of the Ice Dragon Berserker Lodge!"

"Oh. Well, what would it mean if I was your witch then?"

"Minsc and Boo would be your most loyal helpers and followers and kickers of butts that needed kicking!" The ranger excitedly shouted. "We would go where you go! Guard you as Boo guards his berries! And stomp on the Evil faces of any Evil faces that you say need stomping! Right, Boo?"

Boo squealed his high-pitched agreement.

"And what about Harry?" Hermione asked.

Boo squeaked before Minsc replied.

"Boo says that still-too-scrawny chosen wizard boy would be free for the kissing as you please! No one shall get in the way of Minsc and Boo's witch and her kissy kissy time!"

Hermione glanced over at Harry again.

"Ha HA!" the young wizard shouted in triumph as he finally pulled the sword loose. He fell with a crash as his momentum carried him into the dummies behind him.

"Okay," Hermione agreed, "I'll be your witch."

"Oh happy day of days!" Minsc shouted at the top of his lungs as Boo sang in a high-pitched tune. "My sword, my soul, my hamster...all of these I pledge to...to Hermioninny, my witch... HEAR THAT, EVIL?! MINSC HAS A NEW WITCH! WOE IS YOU! Start shaking in your booties! Minsc and Boo and Hermioninny and Harry and friends are coming for you! Your butts will be kicked! Your faces will be punched! And your squishy insides will know the shame of being speared by JUSTICE!"

* * *

 **AN: Thoughts?**

 **Any suggestions for what Minsc and Boo and friends might get up to next?**

 **Thanks for your reviews. And thanks for reading!**


	3. Stalking for Evil!

**Disclaimer: Puny fan fiction writer does not own Minsc and Boo! No one owns Boo but Minsc! Nor Minsc but Boo! I am certain! I have paperwork somewhere… Boo is not sure who owns Harry Potter, maybe his witch does. That is how it worked in the snowy fields of Rashemen! *Squeak!* What's that, Boo? *Squeak!* Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling and we are owned by the corporate owners of the** _ **Baldur's Gate's**_ **Series? *Squeak!* You heard him! And you should listen! Boo knows about these things…**

* * *

Harry Potter and the Ranger and the Miniature Giant Space Hamster

Stalking for Evil!

"Shhh!" Minsc admonished while they were creeping through the edge of the Forbidden Forest. "You must learn to stalk in silence, Harry Potter, like Minsc, if you ever hope to be a ranger!"

"Err… sorry," Harry said as he struggled with the massive sword that his new mentor insisted he carry with him at all times.

"Why exactly are we wandering through the Forbidden Forest again?" Hermione asked.

"We are teaching Harry Potter to stalk in silence and shadow for Evil! And Evil always lurks where things are forbidden."

Boo squeaked in agreement.

"Why would Harry ever need to _stalk_ evil?" Hermione continued her questioning.

"So he can begin his campaign of butt-kicking for goodness, of course! The mighty swords of Heroes cut quicker when Villainy least expects it!"

"That doesn't make any sense."

"You are the witch, you know what is making sense and what is not. _I_ know how to take the mighty fist of JUSTICE to the cowardly entrails of Evil."

"But…"

"Shhh!" Minsc motioned for them to get down. "Evil stirs nearby."

Harry fumbled with his sword as he tried to peer through the bushes in front of him. He saw the shore of the lake through the foliage. The water was calm and clear in the afternoon sunshine. Harry began to wonder exactly what 'evil' the ranger thought was stirring when he heard the voices.

"And then," came the voice of Draco Malfoy, "I said, 'You're just a Mudblood! I'm a Malfoy! I'll do whatever I want, Mudblood!'"

Laughter erupted from the small group. As he watched, Malfoy, Gregory Goyle, Vincent Crabbe, and Pansy Parkinson sauntered by, snickering at whatever story Draco was telling.

The hamster on Minsc's shoulder squeaked softly.

"Boo says that you two should focus on the weakest of the Villains," Minsc whispered rather loudly. "So, you will thump the white-hair. I will kick the miniaturized ogres in their heads, and Boo will go for the eyes of the she-orc."

The ranger then unsheathed his huge, rune-covered, two-handed sword.

Hermione stared at him in horror.

"You can't seriously mean to attack other students?!"

But it was too late.

Minsc was already charging through the underbrush, his sword menacingly brandished above his head, screaming his battle cry, "For Goodness!"

Boo let out his own squeak of fury as he leapt at Pansy's startled face.

"We're going to be in so much trouble," Hermione lamented.

"AHHH!" Draco's high-pitched scream rang out through the grounds.

"It's in my hair! It's _in_ my _HAIR_!" Pansy shrieked as she flailed.

"Let's get back to the castle, Harry… Harry?" Hermione glanced at the empty space where Harry had just been.

"RAHHHH!" Harry screamed as he charged forward, dragging his too-heavy sword behind him.

"DADDY!" Draco wailed as he ran.

" _Harry James Potter_! Get back here!"

* * *

 **AN: Merry Christmas!**

 **Thanks for the reviews. And thanks for reading!**


	4. Hagrid

**Fan fiction writer does not claim ownership! That would be stealing! And stealing is Evil! Silly little writer man is not a Villain who would steal ownership from the Rowling and the Corporations of Baldur's Gate Games. Are YOU a Villain? Say it is not so! Feel the burning stare of my hamster and change your ways!**

* * *

Harry Potter and the Ranger and the Miniature Giant Space Hamster

Hagrid

"Harry! Hermione!" Hagrid said as he strode over. "When're yeh two gonna introduce me ter yehr new friend?"

"Who is this big hairy man?" Minsc asked with a bit of disbelief in his voice. "He is even bigger than Minsc! And I'm huge!"

"Oh, err…" Harry started, "Hagrid, meet Minsc. Minsc, Hagrid."

"Pleased ter meet yeh," Hagrid smiled as he extended his gigantic hand.

Minsc seemed happy to shake hands with the friendly half-giant.

"You shouldn't mention his size like that," Hermione leaned in close enough to whisper to the ranger, "he's a bit sensitive about it."

"That makes less sense than Minsc after a fresh head-wound!" he responded loud enough for everyone to hear. He turned to Hagrid, "If I was as big as you, all the world would know! My boot-prints on the backsides of Evil would cause Villainy to tremble in fear! And tremble they do!"

Hermione covered her face with her hands.

"Minsc has been teaching me about being a ranger," Harry said.

"Oh?" Hagrid asked, "What's tha' abou'?"

"Rangering is the noblest of all the many paths a man of Rashemen can follow! We learn to see the trees and plants of the forests, and wander through them as the squirrel frolics after his nuts. We make friends with the bears and wolves and learn to stalk in the shadows. And then we JUMP out at Evil and WRING its _scrawny little neck_! Ha HA!"

"Err…" Harry started.

But a strange twinkle had come into Hagrid's eyes.

"Yeh like the little beasties in the fores', do yeh?"

"Yes, some of my best friends have been bears and birds. I even learned how to head-butt from a mountain ram!"

"That explains a lot," Hermione grumbled.

"The beasts of the wilds have much wisdom to share," Minsc continued. "Harry Potter says that I teach him the ways of rangering, but it is not so! In truth it is Boo who does the teaching! I mostly do the kicking and sword swinging!"

Boo squeaked and Minsc held out the hamster for Hagrid to see.

"Aww," Hagrid bent down and cooed at the rodent, "Aren' yeh a cute little critter…"

Minsc seemed a little offended at the comment.

"Boo is no critter! Boo is not cute! Boo is the only miniature giant space hamster in all the realms!"

Boo squeaked in agreement.

"And he is the fiercest of warriors! The Villainous hive of ice weasels still shudders at the name of Boo! See his righteous glare and change your ways! Or you will know what it is like to be a weasel too!"

"Aww," Hagrid continued his cooing. "Does he know any tricks?"

"Oh yes," Minsc said with an emphatic nod of his head, "he knows 'roll over' and 'play dead.' And sometimes he likes to play 'hide and seek!'"

Harry shuddered and decided not to think too much about the rodent playing hide and seek while never leaving Minsc's person.

"Maybe yeh'd like ter come over fer some tea?" Hagrid asked as he straightened back up and the twinkle in his eyes grew. "I've got a few critters meself. Harmless little darlin's mostly. I like ter keep 'em company. An' I could show yeh 'round the forest too, if yeh're int'rested."

Minsc gasped in wonder.

"You know the ways of the rangers?!"

Boo squealed in excitement.

"Well now, I woundn' say _tha'_ , but I _am_ the Gamekeeper here at Hogwarts," Hagrid puffed out his chest in pride, "an' I do know the forest better 'n the back o' me own hand!"

"Boo thinks that's just ducky! We accept!" The two large men smiled at one another. "And in exchange Boo and I shall teach you the secrets of the rangers! Boo says you're almost there already. You know the trees. You know the beasts. Now all that's left is the kicking of Evil in the head! And you're huge too! You could probably swing swords bigger than even Minsc has swung!"

"Okay," Hagrid agreed as he and Minsc started to walk off toward the Gamekeeper's hut. "Don' think I've ever swung a sword before…"

"It is easy! First you find a sword. Then you find Evil. And then you beat the Evil in its soft, squishy underbelly with the sword until it changes its ways to goodness! Or until it stops moving. Whichever comes first."

"Do you have a bad feeling about this?" Harry asked Hermione.

"Yes, Harry," she replied as Minsc and Hagrid walked away. "Yes I definitely do."

* * *

 **AN: Thoughts?**

 **The cover image for this fic (when it loads) is used with permission from NixxiCal on Deviantart dot com. She's got some awesome Baldur's Gate character images. Check it out!**

 **Thanks for your reviews. And thanks for reading!**


	5. Lilarcor

**Of course silly little fan fic writer man does not own Minsc nor Boo nor Harry Potter nor Hermioninny nor friends. And if** _ **you**_ **say you do, why, Boo says you need a good swift kick in the morals!**

 **AN: Harry and Hermione meet an infamous sword that Minsc brought along with him.**

* * *

Harry Potter and the Ranger and the Miniature Giant Space Hamster

Lilarcor

" _Incendio_!" Hermione shouted and flames flared up around the necklace.

Slytherin's Locket remained unfazed.

"Take that!" Harry taunted the piece of jewelry as he tried smashing it with a rock.

It wasn't even scratched.

" _Reducto_!" Hermione tried another spell with a similar lack of results.

"Ha!" Harry tried using a different, slightly bigger rock.

" _Torquem Displodo_!"

Nothing.

"Wah!" Harry tried swinging a branch at it.

Nope.

" _Bombarda Maxima_!"

There was a deafening boom which created a smoking crater, but the locket sat there, indifferent.

"This is ridiculous!" Hermione shouted in frustration. She then pulled out one of her spell books to look for other ideas to try.

"Pardon me," Minsc said as he tapped Harry on the shoulder. "But why are you trying to smash the loot we took from the Evil toad-woman after we introduced her to the double-fisted pummeling of Goodness?"

"Oh, err… didn't we explain that to you?" Harry asked.

"No, I do not think so."

The hamster squeaked.

"Boo says you did not either. And if Boo says you didn't, you didn't. He has the memory of an elephant! A very small, furry elephant, but an elephant nonetheless!"

"Okay, well, how do I put this…? There's this evil wizard…"

"Yes! Minsc remembers him! Boo and I cannot wait to lay down a sweet helping of JUSTICE upon this Voldepants' evil backside! My sword will skewer his insides until they are his outsides!"

"Right, well, _Voldepants_ ," Harry chuckled as he decided then and there that he would never, ever use another name to refer to Tom Riddle, "took some items, like that locket, and cast evil spells on them. We can't kill _Voldepants_ until we destroy all the items."

"Ahh, leave it to Minsc! No one is better at smashing than he!"

Minsc strode over toward the smoking and ruined ground where the locket was laying, still unharmed. He walked passed Hermione, who was muttering and glowering darkly at the lack of results her spells were having. Minsc brandished his huge, two-handed sword above his head.

"RaAAAGHH!" he screamed as he swung the sword down onto the locket with all his might.

Just like all their other attempts, Minsc's didn't even dent it.

"No effect?!" the ranger wondered aloud, "I need bigger sword!"

Boo squeaked.

"Oh, I do not know, Boo…" Minsc said to his rodent.

Squeak.

"But he is very rude…"

Squeak squeak.

"Okay, Boo. You know best."

Minsc sheathed his sword and then pulled out _another_ giant sword from… somewhere.

"FINALLY!" a strange voice cried out.

Harry and Hermione leapt to their feet and drew their wands, searching for whoever found them.

"It's about time you let me outta that stinkin' hole, you big lout!" the new voice continued ranting. "Now then, you really need to clean me. I like to _shine_! HA HA HA!"

"Where is he?!" Hermione frantically asked. "Do you see anyone?!"

"No!" Harry answered her.

"Do not worry, Harry Potter and Hermioninny, that is not a someone, that is a sword," Minsc waved the weapon he was holding. It had an odd looking blade, and a strange hilt. "His name is Lilarcor."

"Lawrence Lilarcor at your service," the voice spoke again. Now that he was paying attention, Harry could tell that the sound did seem to be coming from the weapon. "I'm the best at what I do and what I do ain't pretty!"

"Lawrence Lilarcor?" Hermione asked. "I think I've heard that name before… Hold on!" She dove into her little beaded bag before pulling out a large, misshapen tome and rifling through the pages.

"What I do is _killing_ , by the way," the sword continued speaking, "So let's hop to it, big guy! I want to KILL! Kill! Kill! Kill!"

"Huh," Harry said. "A talking sword, and that's what you have to say?"

"I'm a _sword_ , numb-nuts. I don't know what you were expecting, but as a sword I'm pretty one-dimensional in what I waaant!"

"Lilarcor takes a little getting to know," Minsc explained.

"How about you let me get to know someone's guts! By stickin' me in 'em?!"

"You get used to it eventually," the ranger finished.

Boo gave a weary squeak of agreement.

"Aha!" Hermione exclaimed, "Here it is! I knew I heard that name somewhere before!" She then began reading aloud from her book. "Lawrence Lilarcor was well known, not for being brave, but as an idiot."

"That's me!" the sword agreed, "My grandma said I'd never amount to anything more than a butter knife!"

"As the tale goes, the boastful Lilarcor left his village at the urging of his friends so that the 'great hero' could do battle with a devious Treant. He walked for days in the dead of winter until, feverish, he found his target and began an epic wrestling match. Unfortunately (or perhaps luckily), the 'Treant' was nothing more than a craggy old normal oak. His friends had been jesting, not actually expecting that Lilarcor would go fight the fictitiously dangerous tree. That might have been the end of it, but Lilarcor, not really knowing what a Treant was in the first place, didn't realize the truth. He eventually uprooted the oak and, marching proudly home, he declared himself a hero."

"Didn't you bring Lilarcor with you from another dimension?" Harry whispered to Minsc.

"Yes," the ranger replied.

"Then how did Hermione get a book about an extradimensional sword?"

"It is better to leave such questions to the witches," Minsc answered. "It is not for us to know the mysteries of their books and beaded handbags. Some questions even Boo will not dare to ask!" The big ranger shuddered.

"Shhh!" the sword admonished them. "The chick's talkin' about me!"

"Thus was born a laughing stock of epic proportions, and over time the name of Lilarcor became the sacrificial fool in many tales of 'less than brilliance'. It is not known whether or not the enchanted weapon which bears his name is Lilarcor himself, perhaps imprisoned by an evil mage or some other odd coincidence of fate, but it certainly acts in a manner consistent with his level of competence. If it is he, he has never bemoaned his captivity. He might not realize, or care, that he is no longer a human. As a weapon, Lilarcor has its uses, but many a warrior has eventually given it away. Banter such as 'Ouch, that musta hurt', 'Oh yeah! Got 'im good', and 'Beware my bite for it might...might...might really hurt or something' is a constant barrage on a warrior's psyche." Hermione finished reading and snapped the book shut.

"Hey, good lookin'!" Lilarcor called out to Hermione. "How's about you an' me go find ourselves a nice little restaurant, order up some tasty food, and then KILL everyone there?!"

"Well, it's definitely as dumb as the book says it is," Hermione replied.

"Murder! Death! KILL! Murder! Death! KILL!"

Minsc offered the blade to Harry.

"You should be the one to do it, Harry Potter," Minsc said. "Boo thinks it is better this way."

Harry took the somewhat intelligent sword and walked over to where Slytherin's Locket was still lying on the ground. With two hands grasping the hilt, Harry raised it above his head.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Lilarcor protested, "What're you _doing_?! I don't chop wood, okay? I'm _not_ an axe!"

"I'm not going to chop wood with you," Harry said to the sword. "We need to destroy that locket."

"Nuh-uh, I don't think so, pal. You tryin' to chip my blade? I've got more chips than a blind beaver already! I look like a second-rate pig poker!"

"But we need to!"

"No way! No how!"

Harry couldn't believe that he was arguing with a sword.

"Come on!"

"Nope!"

"Please?"

"Not gonna happen!"

"The locket has a soul," Hermione spoke up, interrupting Harry's back-and-forth with the sword. "That makes it alive."

"What's your point, lady?" Lilarcor asked.

"Well, if it's alive and you destroy it," Hermione continued, "that means you'd be killing it."

There was a moment of silence as Hermione's words sunk in.

"Kill it! _Kill it_! _KILL IT_!"

"Okay already," Harry grumbled as he got ready to swing again.

"Come on, come on, come on! I wanna KILL it!"

All of a sudden, the locket popped open, and dark, writhing smoke poured out. Two red eyes formed in the midst of the shadowy cloud and glared at Harry and his companions.

"I see your souls," an ominous voice declared, " _and they are mine_!"

"What the _hell_ is that?!" Lilarcor shouted.

The Horcrux paused as if in shock.

"What?" it finally asked.

"I've never met a talking necklace before," Lilarcor continued.

"I am _not_ a necklace!" the Horcrux said. "I am the Dark Lord Voldemort dwelling within the Locket of the greatest of the Hogwarts four! Salazar Slytherin!"

"Whatever. You look like a talking necklace to me!"

The Horcrux glared at the sword.

"I sense much power in you," it said after a moment, "we could work together!"

"HA!" Lilarcor laughed, "HA! I'm a _sword_ you dolt! How're ya gonna work with me if you don't have any _hands_? You've got to be the _dumbest_ talking necklace I've ever met!"

"Why you _insolent_ , stupid, _utensil_! I'll teach you the _true_ meaning of _pain_!"

"Yeah, well, your mother was costume jewelry!"

"RaAHHHGH!" the locket screamed in rage.

"Now, boy! Whack it!"

It took Harry a moment to realize that the sword was talking to him, but then he tightened his grip and swung down with all his might. The impact left a decently-sized dent in the locket.

"No!" the Horcrux screamed.

"Yeah! Hit it! Hit it again!" Lilarcor encouraged.

Harry obliged, swinging the sword up and down, smashing repeatedly into the locket.

"Swing harder, swing harder! _Swing harder_!"

With a sound like glass breaking, something shattered in the locket. There was a bright flash and a piercing scream. And then the dark cloud and red eyes faded away.

"That. Was. _Awesome_!" Lilarcor exclaimed.

Harry looked over to Hermione and shared a gentle smile with her.

"Alright, what's next?" Lilarcor asked. "I know! Let's make some money! I have the perfect plan too! We just… find someone rich, and kill them. Then find someone richer, and kill them too! Hack and slash your way to fortune! Woo-hoo!

* * *

 **AN: Disclaimer Part Two: Return of the Disclaimer: Lilarcor is of course owned by the same people that own Minsc and Boo! AKA not me!**

 **Thoughts?**

 **Thanks for your reviews. And thanks for reading!**


	6. Luna

**Boo wants to do the disclaimer this time, so here we go. Alright, Boo, get to disclaiming! *Squeak!* Ha HA! That's right, Boo! You tell them who does not own who!**

* * *

Harry Potter and the Ranger and the Miniature Giant Space Hamster

Luna

"And then the dragon knocked us back with its wings," Minsc said as he regaled Harry and Hermione with stories of his adventures in his home world. "The wind was so strong that it blew the sword right out of my hands!"

Boo squeaked in agreement from his position on Minsc's shoulder.

"That's right, Boo!"

"So what did you do then?" Harry asked.

"Well, my young ranger, the rage had already taken me over, so I did the only thing that was reasonable. I _jumped_ into its mouth and climbed down its throat where I _choked_ the Evil dragon to _death_! Ha HA!"

"That's ridiculous!" Hermione exclaimed. You can't just climb in a dragon's throat and choke it to death! Why didn't it just breath fire and incinerate you?!"

"Why, why, why. Always it is 'why' with you, Hermioninny. Minsc _does not_ ask why. Minsc only _does_."

"Yes, I can see that…" Hermione grumbled.

Boo let out a panicked squeal and jumped from Minsc's shoulder just as a net slapped down where he had been resting only an instant before. Minsc leapt to his feet and reached for his sword, a cry of rage on his lips.

"RaAAgGHH…eh?" his cry was hastily aborted when he saw just who had tried to snare his hamster.

A small girl with long, dirty blonde hair was looking up at him with preternaturally large, silvery grey eyes. Her head was tilted to the side and an expression of slight surprise was on her face. Her wand was tucked behind her left ear. A purple butterfly net was loosely held in her hands.

Harry smiled.

Hermione groaned.

"Hello, Luna," Harry said.

"Hello, Harry Potter. Hello Hermione Granger. Hello Mr. Minsc I-Don't-Know-Your-Last-Name."

"Stay back!" Minsc shouted. "You have sneaked up on Minsc once! But you will not sneak me a second time!"

"Oh, I wasn't trying to sneak up on you," Luna said.

"Then why have you attacked me?! And with such a small net, too?! Minsc is too large to fit in such a tiny net!"

"I wasn't trying to attack you either," Luna seemed confused at the notion, "I was trying to catch the Fluffy-Haired Snorkack that was sitting on your shoulder."

"Minsc does not have any Fluffy Snorkacks! Minsc has nothing fluffy at all!"

"Yes you do. It's right there," Luna said as she pointed to the hamster held securely in Minsc's left hand.

"Boo is not a Snorkack!" Minsc shouted. "Boo is my _hamster_!"

"Are you sure?" Luna asked.

"Of course I am sure! If Boo was not Boo, I am sure that Boo would tell me so!"

Luna narrowed her eyes.

"I don't think that's a hamster. I'm pretty sure it's a Fluffy-Haired Snorkack."

"You must not say such things! Boo is very sensitive, you will hurt his feelings!"

"But he's not like any other hamster I've seen."

"Ahh! That is because Boo is one-of-a-kind! The only miniature giant space hamster in all the realms!"

"A _miniature giant space hamster_?!" Luna asked with not a little awe in her voice.

"Indeed!"

Boo squeaked in affirmation.

"Minsc," Hermione spoke up, "how do you _know_ that Boo is a miniature giant space hamster?"

"What makes you think he is NOT a miniature giant space hamster?!" Minsc shot back. "Who would have more insight into my own animal companion than I, Minsc?! Besides, the merchant I bought him from had an honest face. He was very insistent too, waving his pipe as he named the stars that Boo might have seen. There were many more words amidst his 'thee's and 'thou's that I did not even recognize, but everything became clear to me as he spelled it out. His price seemed more reasonable as well, even as he raised it once or twice. But enough about Boo, he is blushing because of the attention. He is pink under his fur regardless, but I can tell when he is nervous."

Hermione sighed.

"Can I have him?" Luna asked.

Minsc seem appalled at her question.

"No! Boo belongs with Minsc! And Minsc with Boo!"

"But he's so cute! And he's the only one of his kind! I'm sure Daddy would publish a whole _series_ of articles about him!"

"You will not do any publishing to Boo! Away with you!"

Luna just stood there waiting. Watching. Her eyes were fixed on the hamster in Minsc's hand.

"Away!" Minsc made a little shooing motion.

Boo squeaked.

Luna lashed out, swinging her net at the hamster.

"Gimme!"

Minsc reacted quickly, and stretched out his arm above his head.

"No! No stealing my hamster!"

Luna leapt into the air and swung her net again.

"This will not stand!" Minsc shouted. "Hamster-napping is the foulest of Villainies!"

The ranger began slowly backing away.

Luna seemed to steel herself for a moment, before she sprang forward in a running leap. But Minsc twisted out of the way and she missed.

"Oh poo," she said as she landed on her bum.

"Enough!" Minsc shouted.

Boo squeaked again.

"Never!" Luna shot back from her position on the ground.

Luna and Minsc stared into each other's eyes. Each awaiting the other's next move, daring one another to blink first.

A tumbleweed rolled by on a gust of wind.

Suddenly Minsc burst into action, the large man moving faster than anyone thought possible.

"Run away, Boo!" the ranger cried as he sprinted away across the grounds. "We must run from the crazy, net-swinging witch! No hamster is safe near her!"

"Get back here!" Luna shouted as she jumped to her feet and took off after them, her butterfly net swinging wildly through the air. "I want that hamster!"

"Huh." Harry said.

"Did I just see what I thought I saw?" Hermione asked.

"Did you see Luna, our little one-hundred-pounds-soaking-wet Luna, chasing the gigantic, berserking, attack-first-ask-questions-later Minsc across the grounds of Hogwarts with a butterfly net?"

"Yeah."

"I saw it too."

"Okay. That means I still haven't lost my mind. Yet."

"It's only a matter of time, Hermione. Only a matter of time…"

* * *

 **AN: Thoughts?**

 **Thanks for your reviews. And thanks for reading!**


	7. Death Eaters

**Disclaimer: Puny fan fiction writer does not own Minsc and Boo! No one owns Boo but Minsc! Nor Minsc but Boo! I am certain! I have paperwork somewhere… Boo is not sure who owns Harry Potter, maybe his witch does. That is how it worked in the snowy fields of Rashemen! *Squeak!* What's that, Boo? *Squeak!* Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling and we are owned by the corporate owners of the** _ **Baldur's Gate's**_ **Series? *Squeak!* You heard him! And you should listen! Boo knows about these things…**

* * *

Harry Potter and the Ranger and the Miniature Giant Space Hamster

Death Eaters

Harry and Hermione ducked around the corner as vicious spellfire slammed against the wall next to them tearing out chucks of brick and mortar. They ran ahead into the alley, but then skidded to a halt.

"Oh no!" Hermione exclaimed. "A dead end! Harry, what do we do?!"

"You _die_ , you little Mudblood!"

Harry and Hermione turned to see that the Death Eaters pursuing them had caught up and had the only exit from the alleyway blocked off.

" _Protego_!" Harry shouted as hexes and curses began to rain down upon them.

They tried to fight back, but they were too outnumbered to do anything but frantically defend themselves as they ducked behind a trash bin.

"Stand down, dirty minions of Evil!" a loud voice shouted from behind the Death Eaters. "Or face my hamster's wrath!"

The spells battering Harry's shield ceased and he peered out from his hiding place to see what was going on.

Minsc had arrived, and the Death Eaters were gawking at him in confusion.

"You don't know the danger you've just found yourself in, Muggle!" one of the Death Eaters spat.

"If there is Danger, then I shall _Dange_ it!" Minsc replied.

The wizards readied their wands and Minsc leapt at them sword first. Boo squealed a high-pitched battle cry.

"Get that Muggle!" one of the Death Eaters hollered, but he was cutoff as the ranger's boot crushed his face.

"Squeaky wheel gets the kick!"

"Kill him quickly!" another of the wizards furiously screamed.

"No!" Minsc shouted as he dodged a spell and swung his sword around. "You will kill me slowly, or not at all!"

Harry and Hermione stared in awe as the ranger made mincemeat out of the band of Death Eaters.

"Hell has no fury like Minsc and Boo! We should know. We've been there."

The Death Eaters started to grow desperate as their companions were cut down by Minsc's huge blade.

"How is he doing this?!" one of them cried in terror.

"I do this with the fists of Goodness!"

The Death Eaters were dropping like flies. Soon there was only one left.

" _Expelliarmus_!" the evil wizard shouted. Minsc's sword went flying out of his hands. The Death Eater stood tall in triumph. "I have you now, you filthy _Muggle_! And _I_ have the wand!"

But Minsc was undeterred by his lack of a weapon. He leapt forward and closed his fists around the wizard's neck, lifting him off the ground.

"Do you think your tiny, wooden pig-poker will stop my Choke of JUSTICE?" Minsc asked.

"GACK! GURK!" the Death Eater sputtered as he struggled and his feet flailed about in the air.

"Incorrect! The answer is NO it will NOT!"

There was a sickening crunch, and the thrashing wizard went limp. Minsc tossed him aside.

Harry and Hermione came out from their hiding place.

"Come with me, Harry Potter and Hermioninny," the large man said to them. "There is safety in numbers and I am two or three at least!"

* * *

 **AN: Thoughts?**

 **Thanks for your comments. And thanks for reading!**


	8. Final Showdown

**Disclaimer: Puny fan fiction writer does not own Minsc and Boo! No one owns Boo but Minsc! Nor Minsc but Boo! I am certain! I have paperwork somewhere… Boo is not sure who owns Harry Potter, maybe his witch does. That is how it worked in the snowy fields of Rashemen! *Squeak!* What's that, Boo? *Squeak!* Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling and we are owned by the corporate owners of the** _ **Baldur's Gate's**_ **Series? *Squeak!* You heard him! And you should listen! Boo knows about these things…**

* * *

Harry Potter and the Ranger and the Miniature Giant Space Hamster

Final Showdown

Harry fought his way through the battle and into the Great Hall. Spells whizzed through the air as brave witches and wizards fought the Death Eaters tooth and nail.

Hermione, Luna, and Ginny were holding off Bellatrix Lestrange until Mrs. Weasley stepped up and floored the deranged witch.

Near the Head Table, McGonagall, Flitwick, and Slughorn were fiercely dueling Voldemort, but they were clearly outmatched.

Harry pushed his way through the crowd. When he was in position, he quickly threw off his invisibility cloak and leveled his wand with a scream of righteous fury.

" _Expelliarmus_!"

But Voldemort proved himself to be worthy of his reputation and nimbly dodged out of the way.

"Potter!" the Dark Lord shouted. "How?"

"This ends here, Tom!" Harry cried.

" _That_ we can agree on!"

Harry brought his wand around again, but Voldemort was too fast. A spell struck his chest and Harry's wand was ripped from his grasp.

"It seems the Killing Curse just won't work on you, Potter," the Dark Lord sneered. "Let's try something more… _inventive_."

Voldemort prepared to unleash a doubtlessly horrible dark curse, but was interrupted by a savage scream.

"RAAAAGH!" Minsc cried as he leapt at the Dark Lord, his huge sword cleaving through the air. "Okay, Evil, you strutted you badness, now it's Minsc's Turn!"

"What beastly manner of Muggle is this?!" Voldemort asked as he lithely dodged the blade.

"I am Minsc! And I grow tired of shouting battle cries at you, snake-wizard!" he proclaimed as he continued to swing his sword. "Evil, meet my sword! Sword, MEET EVIL!"

Minsc was gaining ground, but the Dark Lord proved to be a match even to the heroic ranger. Voldemort ducked as the sword slashed through the air above his head. He whirled around and pointed his wand.

" _Corpus Immobulus_!" he cried.

Minsc froze in mid-swing, his body immobilized by the Body-Freezing Curse.

"GAH!" the ranger struggled, "what manner of Evil sorcery is this?!" He couldn't move, but he still somehow managed to speak.

Voldemort stalked forward and reached out to grasp Minsc's chin in his claw-like fingers.

"You're nothing more than a beast, you filthy Muggle!" he scoffed.

"Minsc will be free! And then your Evil backside will be kicked until it is no more!"

"No," Voldemort replied. "I think you will die!"

He leveled his wand at the ranger.

Suddenly a loud, high-pitched squeal pierced the noise of the battle raging all around them. Boo leapt from Minsc's shoulder, his tiny arms and claws extended, and latched on to Voldemort's face.

"Go for the eyes, Boo! GO FOR THE EYES!" Minsc cheered.

"AHH!" Voldemort screamed in fright and pain as the hamster continued its attack. The Dark Lord flailed about and even dropped his wand as he desperately grabbed at his own face. After a moment he collapsed to the ground and was still.

Suddenly Minsc found himself free of the Body-Freezing Curse. He quickly brandished his sword once again.

Harry slowly crept forward, warry of some unexpected treachery from the motionless Dark Lord. He nudged the body with his foot.

Voldemort didn't respond.

Harry pushed on his shoulder, and Voldemort rolled onto his back. His face was frozen in a silent scream of horror and pain. There was nothing but a blood-smeared mess where his eyes used to be.

"Gah!" Harry jumped back in fright as Boo popped up out of one of Voldemort's now empty eye-sockets with a joyous squeak.

"Ha HA!" Minsc cried in jubilation, "The eyes of Evil are Boo's favorite snack!"

"What." Harry said in disbelief.

With the Dark Lord dead, the Death Eaters lost their will to fight and the battle quickly halted. Hermione ran over.

"Harry!" she cried as she threw her arms around his neck. "You're alive!"

"Indeed our Harry the Hero is!" Minsc proclaimed as he thudded the young wizard on the back. "The plans for your Heroic Funeral shall be canceled forthwith!"

"But how?" Hermione asked incredulously. "How did you manage to kill Voldemort?"

"I didn't" Harry numbly responded.

"Then who?"

Boo squeaked and leapt up onto Minsc's shoulder.

"He did," Harry said while pointing.

"Minsc?"

"No."

" _Boo_?!"

"Indeed!" Minsc cried as he lifted the hamster high over his head. "Did I not tell you that Boo is the mightiest of warriors?!"

"Wait a minute," Hermione said, "you're telling me that the prophesized 'power he knows not' was a _hamster_?!"

"Voldepants knew nothing of Boo's power!" Minsc exclaimed. "As the only miniature giant space hamster in the world, how _could_ he know of him? And besides, Voldepants is not the type to keep a hamster!"

Harry and Hermione could do nothing but stand and stare, their mouths hanging open in disbelief.

Minsc continued to shout his hamster's praises.

"This battle will be forever remembered! From this day on we shall be known as the greatest of heroes! My friends, our hamster borne fury will be _so_ great the _bards_ will run their quills dry keeping up with our adventures! Ink will be _scarce_ and we shall be _legends_!"

And thus it was that Boo, the bravest and fiercest miniature giant space hamster in all the realms, defeated the worst Dark Lord in history.

* * *

 **AN: Well, that's the last completed scene that I have. At least for now. A few of your reviews have given me some ideas though. I just need to find the time to flesh them out into interesting (and hopefully funny) chapters. So it might be a while until the next post.**

 **Thoughts?**

 **Thanks for your reviews. And thanks for reading!**


	9. Lockhart

**Disclaimer: Puny fan fiction writer does not own Minsc and Boo! No one owns Boo but Minsc! Nor Minsc but Boo! I am certain! I have paperwork somewhere… Boo is not sure who owns Harry Potter, maybe his witch does. That is how it worked in the snowy fields of Rashemen! *Squeak!* What's that, Boo? *Squeak!* Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling and we are owned by the corporate owners of the** _ **Baldur's Gate's**_ **Series? *Squeak!* You heard him! And you should listen! Boo knows about these things…**

 **AN: Remember, this story makes no sense.**

* * *

Harry Potter and the Ranger and the Miniature Giant Space Hamster

Lockhart

"I crept up behind the nearest boulder as I heard the beast growling," Professor Gilderoy Lockhart said as he continued to dramatically act out the climactic scene from _Wanderings with Werewolves_. He was crouched behind his desk, pretending to be behind the boulder.

Harry rolled his eyes at the ridiculous display.

"Suddenly the beast halted in its tracks and turned its vicious muzzle to sniff at the air. It had caught my scent…"

Several frightened gasps sounded throughout the second-year Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.

"Oh no…" Hermione moaned under her breath.

Harry snickered at his best friend.

"But I was ready for him," Lockhart continued. "I drew out my wand and I—wait a moment. I'm going to need a volunteer to act as the werewolf for this next bit."

"Pick me! Pick me!"

Cries rang out through the room as nearly every hand shot into the air.

"Harr Potter," Lockhart said with a sparkling smile, "why don't you come up here and assist me?"

Harry groaned and rose to his feet.

"Do I have to?"

A large hand came down upon his shoulder and firmly pushed him forward toward the front of the classroom.

"Go young ranger!" Minsc enthusiastically encouraged him. "It is a great honor to help such a renowned hero teach us about hero-ing!"

Harry turned to get a look at his mentor. Simply saying that Minsc was a "big guy" was a lot like saying that Voldemort wasn't very nice or that Hermione had a passing interest in reading. Minsc was _huge_. He was over six foot five inches tall, and probably weighed well over three hundred pounds of pure muscle.

Which really made him look ridiculous at the moment.

The large man was squeezed into a desk made for twelve-year-olds as he excitedly listened to every word spoken by Lockhart. Boo was perched atop the ranger's bald head also seemingly enraptured with the lesson.

"That's right, Mr. Minsc!" Lockhart said with another smile. "Ten points to… what's your house again?"

"Minsc is of the house of JUSTICE!"

"Right… Ten points to… justice…"

Harry sighed and made his way to the front of the class.

"Okay Harry," Lockhart directed, "you stand over there and pretend you're the Wagga Wagga Werewolf."

Harry despondently walked to his position.

"As I was saying," Lockhart began again, "the _beast_ picked up my scent on the air—come now, Harry, you can do better than that. Let's have a roar."

"Roar," Harry muttered as he rolled his eyes for the fiftieth time that period.

A soft ripple of laughter spread through the class.

"That is not how a werewolf roars!" Minsc exclaimed.

"It will have to do for now," Lockhart went on. "I knew my spells would be of little use against such a creature, so I leapt out from hiding and pounced upon its back!"

"Ha HA!" Minsc cheered and waved his arms about. "Take that, Evil!"

Lockhart strode over to Harry and put the boy into a gentle headlock.

"The beast fought me with all its might, and nearly came close to biting me several times, but I managed to get it into a sleeper hold."

Hermione's face quickly shifted through several conflicting emotions as if she were having a silent argument with herself. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and had to raise her hand.

"But professor," she asked aloud, "is that how it _really_ happened? Aren't werewolves ten times stronger than even the strongest humans?"

Lockhart froze for a moment like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Erm…"

"You are right, Hermioninny," Minsc said.

Lockhart's eyes widened in fear.

"Now, Minsc, my friend—" the professor began but was cut off when Minsc continued.

"Not even Minsc could wrassle a werewolf without even a sword!"

"Then that means that—" Hermione started.

"Yes!" Minsc shouted. "It means that Professor Lockhart is an even _bigger_ hero than Minsc!"

Boo let out a quick squeal of agreement.

"Ah yes, thank you Minsc," Lockhart quickly recovered. "Ten more points to justice."

"Ha HA!"

Hermione grumbled but didn't raise any other objections.

"The werewolf quickly succumbed to my chokehold," Lockhart took up his story again, "and I restrained him with some silver-lined rope I was carrying."

"He's very resourceful, isn't he, Boo?" Minsc loudly whispered to his hamster. Boo squeaked in agreement.

"But then," Lockhart exclaimed before roughly pushing Harry to the other side of the

room, "I gasped in shock as another beast appeared over the rise. There wasn't just _one_ Wagga Wagga Werewolf, but _two_!"

"GASP!" Minsc gasped.

Harry was more than a little frightened as the ranger started to reach for the absurdly big sword that was strapped to his back. Luckily both sword and wielder were tightly wedged into the desk and neither could budge more than an inch.

"In that desperate moment," Lockhart continued, "my mind went back to my training in the ancient martial art of _Ninja Chop Suey_ , and with a desperate _leap_ ," Lockhart jumped forward a distance of about five inches toward Harry, "I let fly with a fierce Kung Fuey Kick!"

"Yes!" Minsc shouted. "I love a good kick to the face of Evil! Almost as good as a swift kick to butts of Villainy!"

"But that's enough for today," Lockhart said as he turned to face the class, "time is just about up. For homework, make sure you've finished your applications to the Gilderoy Lockhart Fan Club and that you've put it in an envelope with the three Galleon processing fee. See you next week!"

Harry returned to his desk to gather his belongings. The rest of the class slowly wandered out of the room as Lockhart sent beaming smiles to each of them. Minsc was struggling to extricate himself from the ridiculously small desk. He finally settled for grasping the desktop with both hands and ripping it off of the base.

"Quickly my friends!" Minsc shouted as he slung an arm around the shoulders of both Harry and Hermione, "we must be off to our Homework!"

"What? Why?" Harry asked as he was dragged along.

"So we can be Heroes! If we work hard, one day we might even do as many deeds of hero-ing and butt-kicking as the great Professor Lockhart! And then bards will tell our tales and write our books! And write them they shall!"

Hermione took on a glassy-eyed look at the thought of having a book written about her.

"We shall call the first one, _Butt-kickings with Evil!_ Or maybe _Hero-ing with Hamsters!_ What do you think, Boo?"

The hamster squealed in excitement.

"Hermioninny! Get your parchments! First we shall kick the pants off our Homework and then we shall be _legends_!"

* * *

 **AN: It's silly. I know. Minsc didn't show up until 5** **th** **Year and this is in 2** **nd** **Year. I know.**

 **I told you this story would make less sense than Minsc after a blow to the head.**

 **I can't help but thinking that Lockhart's overly exaggerated tales of his own deeds of heroic daring would probably be Minsc's favorite thing of all time. Until he found out the truth of course…**

 **Thoughts?**

 **I'm going to go ahead and mark this story as 'complete' for now, as I haven't had the urge to write as much lately. I think that marking it as 'complete' might draw some more readers who are warry of unfinished stories that haven't been updated for a long time.**

 **HOWEVER, if I do think up a snippet or two, I still might add more in the future. So consider it semi-complete I guess?**

 **Thanks for your reviews. And thanks for reading!**


End file.
